Monday, December 07, 2009
daily cycle
At midnight I drop into bed with my mind still whirring about the deeper things in life that have simmered under the surface all day; now it's quiet and dark and I remove the lid and sample their flavors. Finally it's time to feed myself; it takes a while to sort things out before I can fall asleep.
I don't think most women expect the tension from what I call "the mundane maintenance of life" that intensifies when we have children. Maybe it's just me--I get clogged up inside because I'm constantly hitting the pause button on my thought life to find lost shoes, answer "why" questions, handle crises, trim grubby fingernails, and focus on the expectant little eyes watching me. These beautiful and demanding things force me to come down from my mental treehouse and be fully accessible to the moment. At the end of the day, it's not what's checked off my list that matters, but how present I was able to be with the people in my path. And kissing those soft little cheeks at the end of the day makes it all worth it.
Friday, July 03, 2009
pacifier idolatry
"Tomorrow night will be your first night as a REAL big boy!" I explained to Denton enthusiastically. "We're going to get rid of the pacifiers and you can go to sleep on your own, just like Creed does!"
"Okay, Mommy!" he agreed. "I want to be a big boy!"
Bedtime came and I had already removed the pacifiers to the top of the toy shelves. After several mournful attempts to get me to return the pacifiers (tearfully explaining that he didn't want to be a big boy after all; that he really needs the pacifiers; that he doesn't want to do this anymore; that he wants "the cool of the pacifier;" etc.) and several course corrections, he came sobbing to the door again:
"Mommy?"
"What."
"I just have to say one thing."
"What is it?"
(long pause)
"Uh...it's that I just really want my pacifier."
"Denton."
"What..."
"You already told me this and my answer was 'No.' My answer is still 'no' and it will always be 'no.'"
"Ugh! Mommy!! I don't want you to SAY this!!!"
"Close the door and go back to your bed."
"Mommy, I am still sad!"
"I know. You just have to be brave. I'm sorry it's so hard...but you can do it! When you wake up in the morning you won't be sad anymore."
"But I want to play it NOW, Mommy!" he protested.
"I know. But I'm not sure you're big enough to do it yet. You need to show me that you're a big boy tonight and then I'll know you're big enough to play your own computer game."
"Okay, Mommy," he said. And with that, he ran to his room, grabbed his pacifier, and threw it in the bathroom trash can. (I fished it out and disposed of it behind the scenes so he couldn't retrieve it in a weak moment later on.) I braced myself for bedtime, when he would want it back. But bedtime came and went with no resistance, no struggle, and no complaining! He went right to sleep and woke up to a morning of gaming.
What happened?
Denton found something he wanted MORE. The promise of gaming was so motivating that letting go of the pacifier was worth it.
How like Denton I am as I cling to the "fruitless joys" in my life, unwilling to let go of them for more of God. My little boy showed me that when I won't let go of something, it's because I love it most. When I love God more, the pain of letting other things go is overshadowed by my longing for Him. Even the "good" things in my life become chains to spiritual infancy if I become too attached to them. They are substitutions...pacifiers. I often don't recognize my pacifiers as such because they aren't always tangible things. But they are always rooted in my desire to soothe myself rather than yielding to God and trusting Him for peace. Release and obedience is an act of worship; a declaration that He is sweeter to me than any other thing.
Your love is sweeter than all pleasure
Your love is richer than all treasure
Your love is better than all fruitless joys
You are better
None compare to You
With my heart and mind and soul
I'll chase You
(from "You Are Better" by Michael Bleeker and Steve Miller 2004)
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
could this be any more complicated?!
After a visit to the pediatrician this morning to have six-month-old Denton examined (he's had diarrhea for about four weeks now), I was sent down to the lab for the paraphernalia I would need to collect a stool sample. Little did I know that I would need to collect four stool samples, three to be placed in the vials with liquid chemicals (which must stay at room temperature), and one to be placed in the empty vial (which must be refrigerated immediately after collection and for no more than a period of three days).
While I was wondering how I was going to collect the diarrhea (since it is so liquidy that it is immediately absorbed into the diaper), the lab lady handed me an interesting little bag with a urinal-shaped foam "sticker" affixed to the top, explaining that Denton must wear this accessory in his diaper to catch any urine, because urine will contaminate the diarrhea to be tested (as if it wasn't contaminated to begin with). My mind swimming with details, I ventured a question: "How should I collect the 'specimen?'" to which she replied, "Well, when you think he's going to go, just try to put some of it in the vial." I tried not to laugh. "I never know when he's going to go," I explained, "and when he does, it immediately soaks into the diaper."
We finally came up with the "plastic tarp" approach, where I will strip Denton naked and leave him on a plastic tarp to play, with the urinal bag adhered to his body to keep any potential urine separate from "the specimen." Then when "the specimen" makes its appearance, I will scoop it into each container, bathe my son, and move on with my life (which right now is full of packing for our move, showing the house at any given moment, and caring for my two year old). Since Denton is only yielding "specimens" once every day or two, I have to plan my tarp day carefully. Once the first "specimen" is collected and in the refrigerator, the clock starts ticking: I have three days to collect the other three, since after three days the refrigerated one becomes invalid.
Sunday's the day, folks. We'll start early in the morning and hopefully we'll have collected all the toxic waste we need for delivery to the lab on Monday...as well as acquired an entirely new set of talents to add to my mommy resume.
Monday, April 13, 2009
"Mommy, why does God love us?"
My mind wandered back to the first moment I held my infant boy. So helpless. He didn't even know who I was--only that I was familiar; that something inside him was drawn to me; needed me; would die without me. He didn't know me; didn't love me. He just needed me. He hadn't done anything yet except be mine. And that was why I loved him. I loved him because I made him. I loved him because he was mine to love.
Romans 5:6-10
Maybe He loves us because that's what He's like.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
15 things to pray for your children
- their salvation
- their mate
- that they would fall in love with God's Word
- that God would keep them from evil
- that they would have a conscience void of offense before God and man
- that their character would be more valuable to them than their credentials
- that they would stand up for what's right, even if it means standing alone
- that they would be kept from the love of money
- that they would be kept morally pure
- that they would have the heart of a servant
- that eternity would burn in their hearts
- that sin would always be distasteful to them and that they would be easily broken over sin
- that they would love each other
- that they would trust God with their parents and not allow rebellion to set in
- that they would never grow bitter against God, regardless of the hardship
Wednesday, April 08, 2009
Nostalgia
When leaves are flushed anew with green
And every moment vibrates--alive
Imagination swells with the breeze
And from a wistful mist emerges,
as from the memory of a dream,
Treehouses
Dragons
Secret caves
Magic
and
Pirates
For a moment
A flutter
remember
the freedom of long summer days
Bare feet
and
the stillness of time.
Friday, June 20, 2008
footwashing
Even though I’d spent over an hour the night before cleaning the kitchen, it had reverted again into a pit of despair and was piled high with dirty sippy cups, crusty half-eaten food portions, and a mound of supplies for creating meaningful, stimulating Lent and Easter items to lead us through a season of celebrating the new life we have in Christ. I couldn’t help wondering how in the world that new life would be manifested in our home when I couldn’t even find time to finish the Lenten Cross banner I’d started two nights ago, let alone keep the kitchen “springtime” fresh.
Dinner was a cacophony of demands, corrections, laughter, and Kindermusik, but somehow both boys managed to eat their fill and were excused to the living room to play while I tackled Mt. Everest, which included disposing of nearly ½ cup of dinner debris that had collected beneath Denton’s chair.
Cleanup time was punctuated by tearful bursts from Denton in the other room (I couldn’t adequately referee since I hadn’t seen what happened), several ill-timed business solicitation calls, and an unusual number of bathroom trips by Creed, who needed help scaling the baby safety gate each time in order to get to the bathroom without Denton in tow.
After the fourth trip to the bathroom (which also happened to be the second toilet poop of the evening and the millionth time I’d scrubbed our hands with antibacterial soap), I looked longingly at the clock and decided it was on my side: bedtime was at hand. “Everybody UP the stairs!” I said joyfully. Both boys happily complied, with me following to spot them. What I DID spot, however, was a large smushed brown lump amid smears on the sole of Creed’s right foot as he progressed upward.
“Creed, STOP. You have poop on your foot,” I said as calmly as I could. “Lift up your foot and come down. You’ll have to sit right there until I put Denton in bed; then I’ll come back and help you.” I motioned to the tile entryway at the foot of the stairs, but Creed was confused. Weren’t we going UPstairs? I lassoed him with my left arm and set him on the tile to wait for me. “Sit down, sweetheart. I’ll be right back,” I said, then felt something roll into my shins. It was Denton, who was rolling down the stairs. Thank goodness my legs were in the way. I scooped him up, and before anyone could bat an eye had his teeth brushed, diaper changed, PJs on, pacifier engaged, and lights out. One down, one to go.
I grudgingly made my way down the stairs to Creed, who sat obediently on the cold tile floor examining the poop on his foot. “DON’T TOUCH IT!” I yelled. He jerked his little hand away from the foot and sat quietly, absent-mindedly poking at his mouth with a piece of debris he’d discovered on the floor. “DON’T TOUCH YOUR MOUTH!” I shrieked. His dark eyes shot up and he lowered his hand soberly. I felt guilty. “Sweetie, there’s POOP everywhere. We can’t touch our mouths because there’s POOP everywhere and poop is really DIRTY.”
“Okay, Mommy,” he said patiently.
I went to the bathroom to find the toddler wipes. This was definitely going to take some moisture and scrubbing. But when I got there I realized why he had poop on his foot—there was poop on the floor. So I scrubbed it off of the tile and off of the stool where he had stood to wash his hands. Then I made my way out to Creed’s foot, armed with the toddler wipes, grumbling in my heart every step of the way, disgusted with the whole situation, and feeling deeply sorry for myself.
I started to scrub, trying to hide my disgust, but to no avail. “Mommy, what’s the matter?” Creed asked earnestly, looking with concern at my furrowed brow.
“Nothing, sweetheart, I’m just so frustrated,” I said, embarrassed.
It was at that moment—mid-scrub and up to my armpits in bad attitude and self-pity—that God gave me a glimpse of Christ. Not Christ teaching the crowds, challenging the status quo, or performing a miracle (all things I would have been delighted to do for God), but Christ stripped down to the essence of a slave, scrubbing the sludge off the feet of His disciples. We had just talked about what modern-day foot washing would look like at church two Sundays ago, but now I understood. I fought back tears as God’s object lesson soaked into my heart: Creed and Denton are MY disciples. They (and Mark) are my nearest and most constant opportunity to imitate Christ—to learn what it means to set my self aside and meet someone else’s needs. Some days that means an extra-long snuggly hug; other days it means scrubbing poop off little toes.
My eyes dropped to the little foot I held in my hand, and suddenly, surrounded by dirty toddler wipes on the entry mat, I heard Christ’s words: “Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another’s feet.” I reached for another wipe and gently caressed his little foot as God wiped away all the resentment in my heart.