could this be any more complicated?!

***This is an old post from several years ago on my old blog, but I stumbled upon it and thought it was funny. It may not be to you. Just humor me.***

After a visit to the pediatrician this morning to have six-month-old Denton examined (he's had diarrhea for about four weeks now), I was sent down to the lab for the paraphernalia I would need to collect a stool sample. Little did I know that I would need to collect four stool samples, three to be placed in the vials with liquid chemicals (which must stay at room temperature), and one to be placed in the empty vial (which must be refrigerated immediately after collection and for no more than a period of three days).

While I was wondering how I was going to collect the diarrhea (since it is so liquidy that it is immediately absorbed into the diaper), the lab lady handed me an interesting little bag with a urinal-shaped foam "sticker" affixed to the top, explaining that Denton must wear this accessory in his diaper to catch any urine, because urine will contaminate the diarrhea to be tested (as if it wasn't contaminated to begin with). My mind swimming with details, I ventured a question: "How should I collect the 'specimen?'" to which she replied, "Well, when you think he's going to go, just try to put some of it in the vial." I tried not to laugh. "I never know when he's going to go," I explained, "and when he does, it immediately soaks into the diaper."

We finally came up with the "plastic tarp" approach, where I will strip Denton naked and leave him on a plastic tarp to play, with the urinal bag adhered to his body to keep any potential urine separate from "the specimen." Then when "the specimen" makes its appearance, I will scoop it into each container, bathe my son, and move on with my life (which right now is full of packing for our move, showing the house at any given moment, and caring for my two year old). Since Denton is only yielding "specimens" once every day or two, I have to plan my tarp day carefully. Once the first "specimen" is collected and in the refrigerator, the clock starts ticking: I have three days to collect the other three, since after three days the refrigerated one becomes invalid.

Sunday's the day, folks. We'll start early in the morning and hopefully we'll have collected all the toxic waste we need for delivery to the lab on Monday...as well as acquired an entirely new set of talents to add to my mommy resume.